Today has been pretty rough. See post, Delayed Grief of my Granny At this moment, I feel a sense of calmness, not peace, but calm. I’ve had time to self medicate and breathe. Which brings me to this post. I read a lot of blogs, articles, IG post, E-Books, etc about mental health. A lot of the blogs I read are about how to overcome. The writers tend to reflect on past experiences and how they overcame whatever the obstacle was. It’s very inspiring. It makes me feel like if they did it, I can too. The problem is, most of the authors know their diagnosis and are able to get the treatment they need. I say this is a problem because the only thing that I’ve been officially diagnosed with is anxiety and depression. This has been something that I’ve purposely not done because of the fear of knowing what’s really going on. I’ve become open with my anxiety and depression because those seem to be more “accepting” for people. I actually have a fear of more diagnosis. It scares me when I google my symptoms. The fear of being labeled bipolar or having a personality disorder brings me GREAT shame. It’s scary! Let us not forget mental health is a taboo in my world. I talk briefly about it in a previous post. I have anxiety.
Self medicating…..(I laugh as I typed that). So, this includes a few things. Let’s start with the healthy first.
Sun/ Vitamin D
I was blessed to be raised in the South. Louisiana and Texas have been my places of resident. Both have warm falls/winters and even warmer Summers. Of course I never took advantage of the benefits of Vitamin D until recently. I love being outside. I like to sit when the sun is the highest(because it makes me feel the highest) and let its rays pierce my skin. I love the way the sun feels against my skin. I love the deep brown color my skin gets when I’ve been in the sun. I’m even starting to love the feeling of sweat against my skin. I don’t know why but everything about being outside in the sun brings me a sense of calmness. Thankful I have plenty of that being in the South.
I fell in love with music at a young age and eventually would marry a musician. Currently, one of my favorite artist is Jhené Aiko. I swear, I could have written her last two albums. Her music gives me a feeling that I’m not alone in this journey. It gives me peace. It makes me feel understood. It gives a sense that maybe, just maybe I’ll be okay. I have other artist that I listen to but her last two albums give me a sense of hope, a feeling that I’m not…..dare I say “Crazy”. One day I hope to meet her and vibe on a level that only people like us will understand.
I’ve always enjoyed walking. I enjoy running although it’s a consistent reminder of the shape I’m in. I get tired a lot easier than when I was in my teens and 20s. I love the way the wind hits my skin and the way my feet move against steady ground. It gives me comfort. It provides me with a sense that I’m alive. It gives me a sense of purpose. It helps clear my body and mind of the ugly toxins through sweating, which I just recently have been able to do.(I’ve never been able to sweat normally) Although, this isn’t idea for my body goals, I can’t help but to feel free. Free from my diagnosis and potential diagnosis.
Of course writing brings me therapy. It brings me peace. It allows me to speak my thoughts without fear of judgement. I enjoy writing. I love how it feels physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And as my laptop reminds me that my time is limited on it(it’s literally on 5%) I have a sense that things will work out. Any feelings of doubt melts away with each stroke of the keyboard. I’m blessed. Writing connects me with the blessings God has given me. I feel good right now.