Now is the appropriate time to write part 2 of My coping mechanisms. I had time to remove myself from my emotions. I got out the shower, checked my phone, only to see a text from my brother. He reminded me that today( or at least yesterday 08/06) was the anniversary of my grandmother’s death and one of his best friend’s (who just recently passed away) birthday, I immediately felt the lump in my throat and pinned up grief.
I didn’t need the reminder but I’ll use it as a reason to complete the second part of this blog….the unhealthy coping mechanisms. This may get dark, I may ramble, just deal with me. Please.
I’ve only admitted this to maybe 2 people in my life, but when I was in my teens I dabbled in self harm. I was a cutter and I would actually go as far as to burn my skin. Looking back on it, there were clear signs of mental illness. I mean, why else would I try to hurt myself? It didn’t happen a lot and it was very brief but it happened. As an adult, I realize this isn’t healthy and I can’t think of a time that I have actually tried to cut myself, partly because of my inability to deal with blood. It’s really weird but the sight of blood makes me weak in the knees, sick to my stomach, and completely fearful. I’m not sure when this disgust for blood developed but it’s REAL. So, in short, cutting is out of the question now, BUT it was at one time a part of my life.
Alcohol makes me happy, yet sick to my stomach as well. I enjoy drinking wine. Wine is my drink of choice. However, because of circumstances, I’m reduced to drinking whatever is available. To be honest, I don’t enjoy drinking anymore. I haven’t in a while. I drink to cope. I realize this because when I’m mentally okay, it never comes up in my mind. When I’m not, it’s, “Dang I need a drink!” Although I have a preference(white or red wine), I’ve settled for liquor of all kinds and beer. As I type now, understand, liquid courage is behind this post(and a few others). But my desire is to rid my body from it. I truly DO NOT enjoy drinking. Not one bit. But I feel it necessary to get out my emotions. Of course like most, I often over-do it( not the case tonight, I promise) which leads to feelings of regret and being overly emotional. Let me also add, alcoholism runs in my family, both sides.
The word itself brings me joy. It’s sad (but I laugh as I type this) but it’s true. Unfortunately, I live in a state where it’s still illegal, however, there are ways to get what I need. I haven’t had the opportunity to indulge lately but I promise this is the most effective way to deal with my issues. I’ve tried cannabis in almost every way there is to try it. Smoking, edibles, teas, oils….I enjoy sativa, hemp, Mary Jane, indica, weed, pot, whatever you would like to call or classify it as….the wonderful magical plant….yep it gives me calmness. One thing that I haven’t experienced is a “down side” to this. So of course it would be my first choice, however, like I mentioned before….it’s technically illegal here and honestly a little more costly compared to cheap alcohol. Although I’ve listed it under my unhealthy coping mechanisms, I’ve researched cannabis, even writing a paper for school on the health benefits of it. I personally believe it’s all about the way you ingest it. Smoking is probably the least effect (personal opinion) and the one with the most health risk. Nonetheless, it definitely brings me clarity and makes me feel, dare I say “normal”. Although I made the decision recently, because of multiple reasons, to give it a break, it has been the most effective. It doesn’t, for me, have a “down side”.
I struggle. Everyday. Every. Single. Day. This transition has been a struggle. Yet, I’m using what I have available. Again, I write because it gives me the opportunity to express myself in a way that I usually can’t. It allows me to say the things that I can’t say verbally. This is my truth. I understand that honesty and rawness is required for me to go to the next step of my journey. I understand that some may judge, I understand this may cause disappointment to some. At this point, it doesn’t matter. I’m literally fighting for my life and I’ll continue to do so.
I’m curious to know of other coping mechanisms. I’m willing to try almost anything right now.