I’m growing here…

This writing thing is hard. I’ve struggled so much with what I want to share and wanting to share nothing. When I first decided to write publicly, it seemed as if all of the questions had been answered. Definitely not the case. As a matter of fact, I’ve questioned so much since I’ve been writing. This has led to somewhat of a writer’s block for me. Information overload. There is so much I want to say but unfortunately that would lead to me having to consider others and their feelings.

I was having a casual conversation with a friend today when suddenly I blurted out, “I have writer’s block……or something.” We begin to discuss the reasons and solutions. She said something that made me genuinely smile for the first time in days. “Can’t nobody tell you how to tell your story.” Which followed with “Who are you writing for?” “ This is your journey.” This was so refreshing. It was like the blood that had been sucked from me was coming back. The hairs on my arm were raised. I needed that.

Truth is…..I started writing publicly because I needed relief. Let me explain…..

I lived a very private life, married. For almost 8 years I’ve tried to become someone I was never destined to be. Not saying that marriage wasn’t in the cards for me, but definitely not the one I had. I’m a mother of four. I would consider myself a Christian not so much because of my church attendance or activity in the church but my heart. I consider myself a Christian because of my beliefs. I was previously blessed with having the title of Youth Director at my church. Previously, I was also an employee. In the last 8 years I’ve worked for various companies…none worth mentioning. I’m also a student. I’m a sister and best friend. I’m a promoter. I’m a daughter and therapist(not licensed or schooling needed). Let us not forget the extracurricular activities that are tied in with being a mom and wife. Get this my husband(I use that term VERY LOOSELY, seeing as divorce is our destination) is a musician. In short, I wear a lot of hats.

The Last hats I wear, woman and writer. For the last 8 plus years I’ve put everyone needs before mine(at least in a lot of cases). I’ve allowed everyone and anyone to dump their emotional garbage(let’s call a spade a spade) off on me. I prayed for relief. I got that in writing again. I was able to unload all of my thoughts. Honestly, writing is probably putting all those thoughts off on some else but I needed to release those emotions. Writing does that for me. It allows me to get rid of all the emotional baggage I’ve carried.

I can’t be alone in this journey. I know there is someone that feels me. There is someone that can relate. I can feel it. However, everyone wasn’t gifted with the ability. The ability or courage to express themselves through words . Everyone wasn’t called to do what I do. I believe I was directly called to deliver a message. Sometimes that message may touch you, sometimes it may not. Sometimes the message may repeat itself, but only because I’m learning. I believe, sincerely, my journey will inspire and touch many. Unfortunately, because I’m choosing to be transparent, it won’t be pretty. Some days I may even be outright bitter.(I’m currently underemployed, mother And custodial parent of 4 children going through a divorce? Yea, please grace me with a moment or two) But I promise to be truthful.

I promise to overcome my fear of judgement and my need for perfection. Yes, unfortunately, I do have a need for perfection. However, my youngest daughter consistently reminds me of the need to overcome that dreadful spirit. She was blessed with the trait of having to have things perfect, which of course was passed down to her from me, which I received from my mother. My writings won’t be perfect. As a matter of fact, sometimes I may have( gasp) misspelled words, extra commas, sentence fragments, and other things that would make me cringe as a reader. Understand, this is First for me…then for you. However, if (and I know I will) I am able to touch a few people, so be it.

In short, writing through my struggle has helped me to overcome it. Such as this petty Writer’s block….it’s over.

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