I’m drowning. I keep gasping for air and being ignored and in some cases pushed right back down. In this moment, I can’t do this. This is painful, literally and figuratively. I’m tired. I don’t have the fight in me right now. The last 24 hours have been more than enough to say “Fuck It”! That’s where I am. I just don’t want to do this anymore. This cycle.
In the last 24 hours I’ve had several people tell me how selfish and inconsiderate I am, how aggravating it is to deal with me, and how much of a priority I am Not. All from….yes “my support system”. I’ve been called crazy, a bitch, mean and selfish, ridiculous….the list really could go on. I’ve had people that’s promise to be my support out right say today, “I don’t have time”, while others, just choose to avoid me. So yes, I’m lonely. Yes, I’m hurt. But it’s so much deeper than that. I’m tired. I’m tired of having these moments of worthlessness. I’m going through the repeat cycle of starting over. I tired of people lying to me about wanting to help, yet Never being available. I’m tired of having to explain why I’m feeling a certain way only to be mocked or made to believe my feelings are invalid. I’m tired of people telling me they understand me only to do the very things that trigger me. I’m just tired.
I’m tired of hiding swollen eyes because I cry at night. So, I started crying in the shower. It helped until that little bit of privacy was taken away recently. But getting it out helps. Writing helps. Music use to help, use to. But nothing is consistent. I try really hard to be positive, I try really hard. But today, the last 24 hours….I just can’t. I’m struggling with my Mental Health. The more I open up, the more it makes me want to shut down. I HATE feeling weak and defeated. Everyone I reached out to today in an attempt to get help, yelled, cursed, and/or attacked me. They tell you to reach out, let people know how you feel. They tell you to ask for help. But why? Why would I do that when I’m met with this? Rejection. Everyone found a way to blame me for “whatever situation”. I’m being selfish. I just like to complain. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of lonely. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of the pain.
I wouldn’t consider myself suicidal at this point, in a sense. I won’t do anything to harm myself. Although, I can’t help my heart and my lack of interest in continuing on, I’m pass that point. It’s nights like this that I want to pray and plead with God just to end it. Nothing drastic or painful. Just let me sleep and then take me. Nothing painful or long. No more suffering and quick. I’m tired and alone. Everything on my body hurts. I’m sick of depression or whatever this thing is. It comes and goes. Some days are great, some days not so much but I fight through them. Which is what I’ve been doing. I tried so hard. In this moment I can’t. All I can do is lay on my side, replaying everything in my head and let the tears fall.
And maybe one of my prayers will be answered.