I couldn’t sleep last night. A lot of tossing and turning, some face kicks( thanks to my oldest), a few forced pushes out the bed and finally a trip to the couch where I ended up catching a 10 minute nap before giving up on sleep all together. It’s so many things that’s been on my mind. The top being regaining my independence. I need it….desperately. For almost 8 years I have always relied on my husband for making most decisions. It was a real struggle being dependent and having to consult with Anyone about anything. I did my own thing…..and I did it well! But going into a marriage with the “Independent woman” complex was a big mistake. We struggled with this for a while and now We’re estranged….separated.
There are many things that I could say about the marriage. I won’t. Not today. But I will say I desperately miss the comfortability of having a “provider” and not having to worry about certain things. I gained a lot by giving up the Independent complex. Yet, I lost so much. I lost me. So I asked, prayed for this. God granted it and as expected I don’t like it because it’s not as I THOUGHT it would be. Although, I knew this was coming, it didn’t get real until a few months ago. But I asked for this do-over.
How many Day 1’s do you get? How many times can you restart life? Is it even possible? How do you get it? For me, a Woman of Faith, yet still foolish, you just ask for it. I remember praying one day wholeheartedly for “relief” from the stress of marriage and some other things. Let’s just say, my prayers were answered….definitely not how I wanted. But I asked. I’ll like to think God is chuckling a little bit at me trying to scramble and get my life together in a rush. He does have a sense of humor. I respect it for sure.
My do-over/Restart/Day 1 started yesterday….again. I say again because I’ve restarted things A LOT in life. I started school again in October of 2017 to finish my Bachelor’s in Early Childhood Education. I’ve started a new “diet” at least 3 times this year.(Let me add, I’m actually proud of the results) I’ve restarted writing ago after about 2 years off. And soon I’ll be restarting work (because that’s what adults do.) When I asked for a restart on life, I imagined the Mr. getting a Big Break(He’s a musician….very talented musician) and him being completely content and back in love with me. Me cooking breakfast in our brand new kitchen. I imagined me teaching a room full of rambunctious 5-8 year olds that absolutely love me. I imagined my special needs daughter breaking academic records. I imagined my 2 highly gifted children dragging me around town at different academic and sporting events. I imagined my toddler waking up with a fresh “Good morning Mommy, I need to potty.” I imagined my 1 story ranch style home on 2 acres with a horse stable.( Because I live in Texas and it’s almost mandatory?) I imagined being mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially stable.
Reality….that is the except Opposite. Not saying that I won’t get that one day, because trust I will or at least most. Today…..today it’s not happening.
Today I woke up at 3:30 am because I had feet in my face. I got up to sleep on the couch…a couch not belonging to me, in a home that doesn’t belong to me. I ordered the kids UberEats because groceries apparently go fast in my borrowed space. My toddler pooped himself…..again, on yesterday and refused to allow anyone to help in the bathroom this morning. I’m still technically unemployed and relying on my the kids dad(it really feels weird typing “my husband”) a lot financially. Again, I asked for this so I can’t get too upset or caught up in situation without recognizing part of the reason why.
Despite my surface emotions, I’m actually very excited about the things that are happening. I know that God has something much bigger in store for me just based on pervious experiences as well as his personal promise to me. I’ve actually gained some of the necessary independence I lost in my marriage back. It feels good, although there are times of frustration. I know now it doesn’t hurt to be specific when asking something so big. This time has also given me lots of life lessons and reminded me of things that I had forgotten. Despite the start of the day, in this moment I feel blessed. Just know, restarts are possible….just be ready for what you asked. I am now.