Celebrating Father’s Day has always been a big deal with me especially after realizing how challenging parenting can be. Let’s add to the fact that I’m somewhat of a daddy’s girl. I often tell people that I have two daddies because…well I’m blessed 🤷🏾♀️. I call my dad PawPaw and so does his grands. My dad is considered by society as “step-dad” but that’s a insult. He’s just my dad. He’s fed me, wiped away tears, lectured me with love, instilled values and morals, taught me how to heal, reminds me of how beautiful and smart I am, defends me from any and everyone. I’m his Princess and that’s what he calls me. I love him beyond the title “step-dad”.
Then you have my biological father. I don’t have anything negative to say about him. I thank him for life, I thank him for the childhood memories I have with my cousins, big mama( grandmother), aunts and uncles. He also gave me older and much younger siblings. My biological father is everything my dad isn’t. He’s a ladies man, in the worse way. He use to like living on the edge or maybe it’s considered the “fast life”. I do believe this prevented him from being the best father he could be, at least with me. I could be bitter and upset about his lack of consistency and care but it takes too much energy.
Which brings me to yesterday. My sister called and asked for my biological father’s number. I stopped and had to remember the last time I had spoken with him. I wasn’t sure if I even had his number. As a true millennial, I did what made sense….I facebooked him. He actually answered the video call….with the phone to his ear of course. I wished him a happy Father’s Day and let him see the kids. Sadly, my 6 year old was super confused with this guy that looks a lot like his Uncle JoeJoe. My father hasn’t had the opportunity to meet my youngest 2 children but I have relatives on his side that have. I spoke with him for approximately 3 minutes before he said that he would call us back. I knew the way he was ending the call that we probably wouldn’t hear from him until We called again.
My feelings were hurt and after an extremely challenging day, I wish he would have at least let me know I wasn’t forgotten. One thing he did say to me that stings, “Yeaaah, I watch you on the Facebook, I see ya stuff and that’s good baby…I’m watching.” Was this suppose to make me feel proud? I’m still trying to process those words and what they mean. What are they suppose to mean? Again, I haven’t personally spoken with him in at least a year. And yes, I’m aware of the “likes” and occasional comments he’s left on my statuses or photos. But, my phone number has been the same for years….
But before I could go back to feeling like that 17 year old girl rejected by her dad…..I remembered the blessing in this. I literally think about all the things that could have happened with him in my life, and all the things that wouldn’t have happened if PawPaw wasn’t. I’m grateful. Although it was close to midnight and we had been playing phone tag all day, when I spoke he immediately went into “So, how’s______”. It amazes me no matter how old I am or far we are, he just knows. I use to think that you had to be a birth parent in order to sense all the “unsaid things”. PawPaw has a gentleness and a calming spirit that just makes me feel safe. His words are the perfect bandaid.
As I sit here wondering my next move and how I’m going to take over the world, it’s like I can hear my dad saying, “Go Princess, Go!!! They can’t stop you, We (Him and God) got you.” Sometimes, that’s all I need at times, my daddy. Not so he can fix it, but just be there, hear me, don’t attack me and most importantly BE THERE. God showed his favor for me when he gave me 2 dads because he knew a girl like me would need it.