Once when I was about 7 or 8, my aunt, grandmother, and I were shopping. I remember trying to follow close behind but feeling really small and it was rather crowded. At some point I looked up and didn’t recognize any faces. I got extremely nervous. After what seemed to be 10-15 mins( reality, maybe 4mins) of looking for them I got even more lost. I begin to cry. All I could think was “How could they lose me? Will they come back? What if they never find me?” About 30 seconds into my meltdown I saw my aunt approximately 6 feet away looking over as if she had been watching me the entire time.
I remember her and my grandmother kind of laughing it off when I told them I thought they lost me. I wasn’t humored. In fact, I think this is were my trauma began.
I have abandonment issues. Of course being lost in a store is definitely a milder example but I do feel that may have been when it started. Unfortunately, I’ve continued to deal with abandonment throughout my childhood and young adulthood. Rather it been intentional or unintentional, people have continued to disappoint and disappear. From my biological father being inconsistent, to my grandmother passing away when I was 15, or being left 6 months pregnant by my then fiancé, without a vehicle, money, food, or home.
It’s been rough, especially these last few years. But this makes me hold on to the people that I have for dear life. Maybe to the point of it being unhealthy. Yet, my depression and anxiety conflicts with that. Yea…..days like these are rough.