So today, I shot my shot. I feel the need for oils, teas, and herbs. I don’t know why I feel like a “nerd” or “thirsty”. Truth be told, I feel a little bit of rejection already. Anxiety has most definitely been triggered. Everything seems really loud right now and I’m trying to focus on how the keys feel against my fingers. I can see the curser moving and I can hear the sound of the keys as I tap them. Then it hits me, “God wouldn’t ask you to make a fool of yourself. You’re good!” I feel my body releasing the tension and stress and now I’m able to analyze this situation.
I asked another woman to be my friend. I shot my shot.
It’s amazing how something so minor can affect ones mental state. I’m naturally a friendly person, however over the last 6 years I’ve isolated myself. The last 4 years suffering from social anxiety and the last 2 years…. I just wanted to stay in my little dungeon. I had no desire (so I thought) to be around people. Occasional family visits and weekly church outings were more than enough for me. Interacting with people can be extremely exhausting. So the mere fact that I’m reaching out to anyone, and a woman, I would say shows growth.
Then there is that other thing. That thing that I don’t really want to acknowledge, but I have to.
Women are so catty! It seems like we don’t want to be friends with each other. We don’t want to see each other win. Are we always in competition with each other? The idea of someone thinking that you are cool and desiring a friendship with you is weird? Does it make the other person thirsty? A fan? Or is it that you feel that person isn’t worthy of your friendship? Is it because they haven’t had the opportunity to earn as much money as you? Is it because they have kids and you don’t like kids? Is it because she’s still single and you’re married? Or is it because your “sometimes friend” said that the girl tried to talk to her ex-boyfriend? Could it be because you think that she may be smarter or prettier than you? It sucks! I can’t say that I haven’t had my catty moments, but truthfully I’ve always wanted to see woman winning. I’ve always enjoyed watching women celebrate each other. It’s a beautiful thing.
I won’t pretend there aren’t “mean girls” out there but why? Are they really mean or just hurt? I’m sure experience will be the excuse. But, it has to be something much deeper. Whatever the reason is, my desire is for it to pass.
This actually reminds me of how a friendship with one of my closest friends beginning. It was maybe my first week or so working at my new part-time job. I spotted her from a distance and I immediately noticed how pretty her make-up was. At some point she came up to me and asked me my name. She told me her name and she had just moved from Kansas City, MI. She was a 21 years old college student living her best life. Our situations and age was the difference but we vibe. We didn’t chat long, under five minutes. Then she did it, she said, “ We should be friends. Let’s be friends.” That memory makes my heart warm and I love her endlessly for that. I think I replied with an uncomfortable and confused “Okay, yea sure”, but God knows what you need when you need it.
Writing always help me to sort through things. Put things in prospective. It allows me to process my emotions and feelings. It also lets me know that a simple “We should fellowship”, wasn’t at all a bad thing. Being friendly isn’t a bad thing. Wanting authentic friendship isn’t a bad thing. It may not be the popular thing in a world with “I can in the world by myself….”, “I ride solo dolo…”, and “No new friends”(My personal fave) but I’m okay with not doing the “popular thing”. At this stage of growth, I’m okay with being different or rare”. Like a request for friendship, I’ll take it as a compliment.